My Wasted Life

One man's rants in search of finding the true meaning of my wasted life. Please enjoy!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Why Small Towns Scare Me

or

On the Road with Chip and Cooter

So this weekend was another fantastic road trip. On this particular road trip I was accompanied by, my partner in crime, my damie. Our destination: The Berkshires, Pittsfield. Our plan was to visit my damie’s fam, and laugh all day while doing it. We were successful in both tasks.
After a morning of work, I was home by 12:30. Since my damie is out of commission driving from her recent brush with death while snowboarding, we took my car. I decided to clean the inside for our journey, as my counterpart was late as per usual. But by 1 o’clock we were on the road. It was a quick stop at Starfucks, and Dunkies, for the full breakfast experience, and the non-stop comedy of the day was started. Starbucks had a wonderful array of colorful customers. Now, I don’t mean to be rude. I don’t mean to be an asshole. Now having said that, my damie and I both have an affliction to a certain facial defect. I’m not gonna get into specifics because there is no nice way of saying it, but I’ll just say that there was a girl, with this defect, that I had to point it out. I was then quickly accused of “flirting” with the male barrista behind the counter just for asking him where I knew him from. I think that the only reason this was brought up was because my damie is so fucking homophobic she may actually be gay herself. Enough with starbucks, the thought of that girl makes me a little sick. So over to Dunkies, which I was so retarded while pulling up to the window, that I almost drove off without getting the food. At this point I’m sure my damie thought about ripping her cast of, and driving herself.
Now we are on the road, with the I-pod pumping, and the directions firmly in the head of my navigator. I was fairly certain that we would not be getting lost for two reasons. One, my damie knows this route well, and two; it’s not that hard to get there. Two states, and an hour and a half later, with only a bit of indulgence to get us through the day, we were in the Berkshires. Our first stop was at Grandpa Ferry’s. We walk into the most quaint, cozy, comfortable looking place I’ve seen. It looked more like a bed and breakfast than a retirement home. When we got to the room Nance C and Grandpa Ferry greeted us. Let me pause for a moment to let everyone know, my damie’s grandfather is AWESOME. They guy loves to talk about the war, and has no problem interrupting any other conversation to start talking about it. We got a nice show from Nancy sporting her father’s old army jacket, in between cell phone calls. As we left, Nancy said something about dressing up nice, which neither my damie, or I could really understand.
It’s off to see Grandma Ferry. Ashton and Demi have nothing on me and Ms. Ferry. She’s my main squeeze. I may start to visit her on a regular basis, by myself, because I leave feeling so good about myself since she just compliments me and compliments me and compliments me. The three of us tried to figure out who she thought I was, and when Nancy asked her she said “Richard” which is my fathers name, I don’t know if it means anything, but was creepy none the less. Anyway, we left and headed over to my damie’s Uncles house to get some dinner.After long discussions on what we have all been up to, we went to dinner. At this point my damie and myself were absolutely starving. The name of the restaurant escapes me, Otto’s, Olly’s, something like that, but what I do know is that under the name on the sign, written in smaller, italic letters was: Steak & Eggs. I knew the lynch mob was close by. As we walked in, you could hear the banjo’s playing in the back, and some obviously inbred people stared at us (since we were the most normal looking people, not just in the restaurant, but the entire town.) If it was just the two of us eating, I don’t think we could have contained ourselves to not make comments, and we probably would have been kicked out. I watched in horror as our host’s son ate: a bread bowl full of chowder, mozzarella sticks, and a GIANT burger topped with bacon and cheese. I was full just watching him eat. My meal of clam strips was really good, even though I substituted French fries for mashed potatoes, and those potatoes came covered in think gravy (queue banjo music, and mutant looking people with three teeth staring at us.) I’m pretty sure the pitchforks were about to come out, so it was time to get our Bonnie and Clyde act on the way and get the hell out of dodge. We dropped Nancy off, and enjoyed a much-needed cigarette on our journey home. The rest of the night was self-medication, indulging, and a little science fiction. Once again and always, great times fear and loathing in Pittsfield.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

SuperMow Sunday

a conclution to my damie

What hasn’t been said about SuperMow Sunday? Obviously there was the food, the food, and the food. My Damie and I prepared a feast for kings, and a few queens joined us later. There was plenty of extra curricular activates, but the Jager was never broken out. Quite a disappointment but there is always next weekend. There was the rolling stones, older than dirt, and I’m pretty sure Mick Jagger is now a hologram, and really dead. There was chips and dip that was eaten last night, to make up for being left behind on Sunday. Chips and salsa??? I didn’t see anything but an empty plate. Oh yeah and a whole bag of cheetos, but when they are fat free you can eat the whole bag. It is true, I did eat burger king for lunch, but my damie ate a raw burger the night before (whole different blog that should be started tomorrow because you need a lot more time than an hour at the end of a Tuesday when all you can think about is going home, going to class, getting home from class and getting fucked up) I’m not sure who won, oh yeah the steelers, they were in it right? I don’t know I need a cig and can’t think of much else.

This has been a long day, and I got tonight on the brain.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

8 HOURS TO GO

OR

IT'S AMAZING I'M NOT STILL A VIRGIN

Today is Thursday. This is not just another day of the week, this isTHE day of the week. Thursday is the one-day I look forward to all week long, everyday before Thursday I am looking forward to it, and on Thursdays, I’m already anticipating the next one. That is of course during the fall and winter, excluding holidays, and Baseball playoffs. It’s not so much the day Thursday that I look forward to, it’s actually only 1 hour of Thursday that I look forward to. This is what can only be described as the best hour of the week.
I came up with the best hour of the week a few years back. At that time it was still Thursday, only it was 7pn and not 9pm. This hour used to be the time that CBS aired Survivor (the 7pm might throw people off, but on the west coast prime time television starts at 7pm and not 8pm due to the time difference. For those of you that don’t know Arizona does not follow daylight savings time, and therefore is on a different time access from the entire country. I often wonder about the people who live on the border, and how they set the clocks in their houses. If you work in Colorado, and you have to be to work at 8, does that mean you set your clocks for Colorado time? Or do you get up and hour earlier based on your clock. I don’t know what those people do, but I digress.) Survivor used to be my favorite hour of the week. It was a time to get together with my friends, drink some drinks, indulge in extra-curricular activities, eat LOTS of food, and generally bullshit until the show came on. At 7pm, it was all business discussing the show, and who we thought would be banished from the island, and who was playing a better strategy than the other castaways. The only thing that made this night better was when the Apprentice (actually I believe that it started with Temptation Island, for those of you that can’t remember, that show was the one where the four couples went on an island, got separated from their significant others, and the men stayed on 1 side with 14 beautiful women, while the women stayed on the other side with 14 hunky men, and the couple that didn’t cheat, and stayed together won. It was a horribly wonderful show.) came on after Survivor making it the best 2 hours of the week.
But like everything, times change, people move, and programs come and go. So now, I live 3000 miles away from my little Thursday night crew, and after 5 or 6 (or is it 7 or 8 now?) seasons of Survivor, I have to admit I’m a little bored with the show. And then came a new obsession. The OC. The OC is the best show on Television, and for those of you who may not have seen it, you’re missing out. BIG TIME! I’m not going to get into details because the wonderful world of the OC is so filled with twists, turns, drama, and suspense that I could go on for hours, and would have to start drawing diagrams for you to understand. So I will simply say, it’s awesome. I don’t have as many people to watch it with, and I’m not quite sure how it happened (either she starting watching it on a whim, or I coerced her into watching it) but my damie is a big fan of the show as well. So every Thursday night at whatever time the two of us can get together (Thursday nights are a very popular night for classes, and the show is usually TiVo’d [by TiVo I mean taped on my VCR, I mean I don’t even have cable let alone TIVo] so it is watched around 10:30 or 11 o’clock) we do what we do best and watch the best show on TV.
So why all this bullshit, and what made you rant about how great some prime time soap opera is, is probably what you are thinking. Well this morning my Damie referenced the OC as being almost orgasmic. And upon some serious contemplation, I have to agree. This show is something that I look forward to, build up, and anticipate all week long. This anticipation can almost be as enjoyable as watching the show, because I’m looking forward to it so much. And as I sit on my couch, and wait…wait…wait…and it’s actual ON TV while I’m in my apartment, and I’m not watching it because my Damie is sitting in her god awful long fucking class, probably thinking about the OC as well, and I wait some more for her to get home, and come over to watch it, and then finally after all the waiting and anticipation, and I hear the most wonderful sound in the world “CALIFORNIAAAA, CALIFORNIAAAAA, HERE WE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMEEEEE” and it is as if I myself am coming.The show has changed, the company has changed, and I can’t find as many people to enjoy my orgy of TV viewing on Thursday nights (anyone interested please let me know, the only requirement is that you’re serious about watching the show, and will keep your mouth shut unless it’s OC related) but it’s always worth the wait, and I always finish, out of breath, craving a cigarette, a little hungry, and ready for bed after it’s over. Ahhhhhhh, was it good for you?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

RECENT OCCURENCES

OR

I'M NOT ABOUT TO START WEARING A HAND BAG


Blogging used to be a regular occurrence for me. An everyday thing, and sometimes twice a day. So after reading my Damie rant about her crap job, I started to think about the things we used to blog about that were up beat, and humorous. So here’s the skinny on what’s been going on. After my conscious efforts to stop being a lesbian, I have been sucked back into the culture with the recent purchase of “The L Word, Season 2” DVD box set, which my damie newly acquired as a Christmas gift. I now am enveloped in the lives of Tina, Bette, Alice, and Shane, and their entire glorious lesbian lives. I don’t know why I get obsessed with drama shows like this, the OC, and Smallville (my new heterosexual prime time soap opera.) But there is something about watching 16 hours of a show, back to back, with no commercials and not having to wait a week for the next episode to air. Plus, I know it makes my Damie happy to watch it, and I’m happy to oblige. If there is anything I’m really good at as a friend, it’s being someone to watch TV with, because I’m always down, and it’s what I love to do anyway. So for the past two days, we have indulged in some extra curricular activities, and chilled out, as only we know how. Then proceed to watch 2 or 3 hours worth of lesbian sex, relationships, arguments, and occasionally some real life problems. But fear not blogger readers, I am not a full fledging lezzer, after we are done with this, I will break into Entourage season 1 and bring back my testicals. Other than that it’s the normal routine. Hopefully some good, blog worthy adventures will come my way, and I can write witty, sarcastic comments on everyone and everything involved. Untill then, I still can only dream about MySpace.